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Monday, January 28th, 2002

Subject:I'm Amazed...
Time:8:10 pm.
Mood: flirty.
Hey-

Okay, so this is what is up...

Phase two of the plan worked really well, - in fact,
SOOOOO much better than expected and I think that I am almost full over that guy, that is much to say..


Today was a remarkable day today for me...


For the first time in my life, someone only wanted to do what I wanted to do...


It was like the only reason that they were with me was to please me


I was just havin all of these emotions flooding inside of me over this...


I mean, no one has ever been as nice to me today as my friends were..


it was just so amazing to me... I mean, I'm still feeling it as we speak..


and I am just feeling this deep emotion that I can't even describe..


the only thing that I could say about it is that it is VERY INTENSE ...


I'm havin problems with it, because I don't know how to deal with my feelings


I think that it is overall gratefulness, and happiness - but I do know one thing, that now that this feelin is released..


Its not just going to fade away... I don't think that it ever will...
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, January 22nd, 2002

Subject:All Your Feelings SO DEEP inside...
Time:11:48 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
Today was kinda interesting I guess. I had to go to my school and take midyears, even though its really a vacation for all the other children everywhere else...


Well, while I was there, I had to force myself to ignore the guy I liked. I realized that he could never really like a chick like me, and that I was playing myself to get hurt. I don't want be hurt.


Even though this is only phase one , its still important. In the other phases I have to be able to look him in the face w/ looking like I still think about him all the time and that I still like him.I also have to try to be his friend, even though that's not what I want at all.


But I guess, since I want him to be happy, and I don't wanna be hurting over him over the summer, that that is the best thing to do..


He deserves to go out with a beautiful and smart girl - one that he won't be ashamed of, come due time..

I don't think I'm beautiful persay or very smart and the most important thing-

I already think he thinks lower of me, so how could he not be ashamed of me, when we can't even be friends?


Unless one day he confesses his love or something.. hehe riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight

HEHE-


Sometimes I guess that I wish that I could just sprinkle sum dust on me and become as outgoing as I know that I can be..


Even though this outgoingness isn't for the guy I like, I think I come off too introverted when I'm nothing like that..


I think that I need to talk to SOMEONE about my feelings before I end up doing something drastic -


NOT KILLING MYSELF -


But I will certainly end up doing that to my social life if I don't fix it..


Other than that, everything is pretty okay, I'm living, which I a lot better than I have been lately..


Hopefully starting this journal "a new"
will help with that :o/


l@ter,


~* TAuRuS *~
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, January 21st, 2002

Subject:Its Been a while -
Time:3:45 pm.
Mood: chipper.
hello,

I just thought that I should tell whomever reads this that I'm changing the name of this to TAuRuS105-

I wanna start new again and have a new name to go along..

I realize that I still need to keep the old entries and a reminder of why I decided to change my name, but I'm using the new name to not associate my self with that anymore..

I was gonna just throw the whole thing our, and begin again-

then I realized that, even though that may be what I feel like doin, I stil wanted to save the entries...

so I figured that changing the name would be a better and simpler idea...

SO startin tomorrow, it wil be a new, but the old entries will remain for prosperity

so SO LONG babygirl -

And hello TAuRuS105 :oP


L@ter Peoples,

~* TAuRuS *~
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, November 10th, 2001

Subject:ThE EnD Of tHe RoAD..
Time:11:34 pm.
Mood: melancholy.


Hey again..


I'm very depressed right now, so I'm not talking


very much right now..


I think I may have lost my bestfriend...


We're in the middle of an argument, so to speak


and I feel horrible..


More details when everything is better for me..I hope


it gets better..


More later..



~* BaByGiRL *~
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, November 6th, 2001

Subject:QUiCk UpDaTE..
Time:1:15 pm.
Mood: relieved.
HEY-


Real Quick-


I found out yesterday AFTER I wrote the journal entry who was the person who cheated on the homework..



(Get ready for this)...



It was the guy that I liked, the one who sits in front of me!



When I found out, my brain was screaming:



NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!



He cheated off this kid who talks funny in our class..
BUT - because he confessed to it all he has to do is write an essay..



He gets to stay in the class! YAY!



WHOOHOO!



Anyway, I thought that you should know - that way you wouldn't think that it was me or something..



I betcha ain't NOBODY gonna cheat again...




More later-




~*~* BaByGiRL *~*~
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, November 5th, 2001

Subject:BaBY YoU KnoW i'M WoRtH iT...
Time:8:05 pm.
Mood: worried.
Hey again-

Okay, there is a problem..


WELL, actually there are a couple...we'll go in order of least to most pressing..


Okay, 1: I am in an honors forensics English class( forensics in this case, is somewhat like speech and debate and deals with a lot of speaking and improving writing skills...)


Today the teacher told the class that she believes that two or so students were cheating off homework.She said that if they didn't confess to it, they would be dropped from the class..


WHY IS THAT A PROBLEM?


Well, you know kids, the do tend to cheat from time to time...


The problem is that no one remembers if they did or not..so she can accuse of it and you didn't that TIME and you have no real proof..


Another problem with that is that your homework could accidentally look like someone else's and you could get blamed for something you are not a part of...


So that is a problem ...


Okay 2: I am in junior math (in NYC its sequential 3)...


The Problem? I keep getting 75's and 70's on the test and that is equivalent to a C-..my mother is expecting a B or higher and I am worried about that..


If I don't make the grade my "privileges" will be stripped..


:: drum roll ::


ANd the most important problem that I have is..


1: I like two guys ( the one that stares at me and another one) and they are friends...


EVEN BIGGER PROBLEM? they both like me and I am befuddled about what I should do...


Because I like them both..


WHY THE HELL DOES DOES EVERYTHING HAPPEN ON A MONDAY, FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD!


:: sigh ::


I can't think of anything right now, now that I've said most of it, expect for my free day of school tomorrow for the NYC mayoral election...



so Ad�os for now..




Buenas noches..




~*~* BaBYGiRL *~*~



P.S -

Just so that everything makes sense,I took at spanish test today that nearly destroyed my brain , so I'm getting it outta my system slowly..


L@ter
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, November 3rd, 2001

Subject:I'M sO iN LoVE, sO DeeP IN LoVe....
Time:1:46 pm.
Mood: hopeful.
Hey again,


Alright, here's some new stuff that's been going on that you prolly don't know about:



First of all...one of the people that I like acts like he likes me now, but I'm not sure..



I mean like, I'll see him out of the corner of my eye staring at me but I wont look at him even though I am almost 100% sure that it is me that he is looking at ...



AND as sad as this may sound, I think that I like him a bit more than I should...



I mean I heard that one of my friends likes him but I'm not sure if she still does...Because the more that I think of him, the more that I like him...



The weird thing is is that I feel like I've known him before we went to school together - maybe its just me, but it is certainly a weird feeling...



Secondly - I went wit my best friend to get her coat at a store that is near our school..



She was sooo nice about it - she was willing to go home wit me so that I could call my mom and get something for her so that I could go with her..



I thought that was soo nice...she got a coat for $150 and a shirt for her sister for $32...she got madd money...



It was sooo much fun..and like afterwards I had to go to the supermarket to do some shopping before my mom came and it took me 15 minutes to get there, through a lot of traffic ..



The other thing under that same category is that I saw my ex-best friend when I was taking my second bus to get to the super market... she was with this girl and I was surprisingly upset, then relieved..



I was at first upset because of the way that she treated the girl- me, as her best friend since kindergarden - I was never treated that way, so I was upset because of that...



But then I suddenly became calm...



I just remember that I was with my real best friend (one of them) and I had more fun with them then I ever had with her, so I have no reason to be upset...



And besides....



My best friend is A LOT BETTER than that girl...



a heheh...


Oh and one more thing..


Thirdly, One of my friends that thinks that our chemistry teacher "is a bit too obsessed with race", like I do, told him that he says "inapropriate things " ...



AND he nearly freaked out... then, when my class and I were in lab, he asked to speak to me and I swore that I was in trouble



But he just wanted to know if I felt the same way..



I said that maybe it was beacuse he was a little too obsessed with race or what happened between him and my friend on parent-teacher night (another story..let's just say she's black (in fact she has the same last name as me) and he kept making remarks about black people to her and her mother..)...



He let it go, but I secretly believe that he resents being told that he's wrong - He always gets upset when people do like the way that he acts..



He's a nice teacher but he NEEDS to lighten up a bit - seriously...



Other than that - there ain't tooo much going down..I'm talking to that dayum guidance consoler again..



It helped me feel better to get some of that stuff off my chest - but that guy is sooooo creepy, yesh ..



that's all for now...



more later...


~*~* BaByGiRL *~*~



P.S-
I hope that the guy that I like the MOST tells me he likes me...pray for me :oP
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, November 1st, 2001

Subject:LoVeLy DaY...
Time:3:15 pm.
Mood: giddy.
Hey again-

Real quick-

You know that thing that I said that I was worried about getting that I got when I was twelve?


Turned out to be a fluke-


With a lot of praying and hopefulness I got through that very well...


I feel so great - I don't even feel like myself


WELL - that was just for your well being so you wouldn't worry bout me tooo much


:: smiles sweetly ::


More later..


~*~* BaByGiRL *~*~
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, October 27th, 2001

Subject:HoLD uP!
Time:2:41 pm.
Mood: nervous.
Hey again,

WEll, yesterday was a busy day...


I babysat for my mom's bestfriend..the two kids I told you about before. But this time it was different..


I was riding on a cross trainer when my mommy got a call from her and I talked to her saying that she wanted me to do this at 8:30...


Mind you that all the other times that I have done this for her, it was in the afternoon. This would be the first time that I would be doing it at night..


SO I said okay...


So I stayed there and entertained the kitties..Guess what time she came to pick me back up? - 2:00AM...


She paid me in the car and I got an extra 5 bucks since it was soooooooooo late and all..


We were driving and it was the very first time that I have seen NOT ONE PERSON ON THE STREET!


It was a truly interesting thing, may I mind you, for a girl that normally isn't even outside after its dark(expect when I was in debate.. but that's another tory...)


SO I got home and told my momma and my older sister about how everything went and all -


It was surprisingly okay... I didn't burn the house down...


I didn't actually fall asleep until about 3 and then I woke up at 9 and I am STILL tired...and I have basically spent the day sleeping....but I'll get over that soon...


Since she asked me to babysit on sunday as well..
That's 40 dollars in one weekend...I have never made that much before at one time...


AND let me tell you - God planned it...


I asked him if he could get me some money because I not only wanted to take care of myself, but the people that I care about.. and he certainly did deliever...


Oh yes....


I just pray that wanda will need me almost every weekend, that way, but time christmas comes, not only will I be bling blinging, but I'll be able to get people birthday and christmas gifts..


I feel so great right now...


But I think that I may have an infection, I had it once when I was twelve and I think its coming back and I'm scared..I don't want it again....


I'll do anything not to have it, anything....


I'm just so nervous about it...


But I'm going to pray and read he bible - God is in control and he will take care of me...


But other than that all is pretty okay - I hope that the babysitting thing works out...


The feeling at home hasn't changed and I don't think it will, so I'm glad that I have to chance to get out and be myself -


Not always worried about whether or not someone's going to say I have an attitude...


Well, I got to go now - nothing else to write...


I'll keep you up dated and what not..


More later..


~*~* BaByGiRL *~*~
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, October 25th, 2001

Subject:Happpppppy B-day!
Time:3:10 pm.
hey-

Its my grandma's birthday - Just wanted to say so that yall peoples would know....


okay- that's all...

~*~* BaByGiRL *~*~
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, October 23rd, 2001

Subject:HoW yA GoNNa HaNdLe DaT?
Time:9:11 pm.
Mood: drained.
Hey again,

It hasn't been too long since the last time that I wrote to, so I think that I'm doing pretty good..
don't you think?

Well, today was productive..

I got my report card today..they give us our first reports with letters such as "S", "R" and "U".."S" meaning satisfactory, "R" at risk of failure and "U" for failure...

I got mostly "S" 's and I got one "L" and one "Z"..."L" means late admission and no basis for grade and "Z" means that I never came to class so they couldn't give me a grade....


I can't show that to my mom..If she finds out that I NEVER went to gym, that will be my ASS...so frankly I can't afford it...


I'll just wait till the end of the semestre..then it really won't matter...


ANYWAY, on to more important things....


Guess what my chemistry teacher said to me? He's black and I was coming from gym on the first floor and I ran into him..


He was like he was impressed with me..and I said "why?"..he said that because he knew I was probably the only black child in all of his classes that he knew truly thought( because today I was answering a lot of questions in class - I actually KNEW what I was talking about and understood it)..


I was like, in my mind, "what a great compliment, I've been trying to impress this teacher and I finally am going in the right steps".


He talks to me for about 15 minutes about how the black kids in our school just want to make it and the discrimination that he and one of his sons went through...


he's a really cool teacher..


I just personally think that he's a bit too obsessed with race but who am I to judge - He's probably been through enough stuff to make him that way...


And last but not least, I think I have a crush on this guy..I mean all of a sudden I started to look at him this way...


I mean, I thought that he was cute from the first time I saw him, but that was about it..


But all of a sudden, today, he's in my gym class and he walks by me and I can't stop thinking about him, us being together, doing things...


And he just so happens to live where I live and go to the same church as me...

I think that I like him...but that's not all..


Of course not, not with me....


The guy that I like in English, I now sit behind him.. and I think that he likes me...maybe its just me...I certainly hope not because he has a nice smile and he's smart and so nice...


He kept turning around to say something to me or looking at me from the side of his eyes...


I could tell...


But I'm not gonna worry about that now, I'll just have to go with the flow...But I gotta go now to study for a math test that I have no idea what it is about..


Wish me luck..


More Later..


~*~* BaByGiRL *~*~
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Saturday, October 20th, 2001

Subject:AiN'T ShYt FuNNy?
Time:1:47 am.
Mood: content.
Hey again,

I'm being a bit insomniac about going to bed, but that's not my fault - ITS BECAUSE OF HIM ...


The other day, I think that it was yesterday, we had a semi family meeting...


My ma, HIM, and my baby sister were laying on the bedroom bed while my older sister and I stood up...he was watching a movie and he said that he was listening to us but I have my doubts...


We basically discussed how we were feeling about the atmosphere of the house, that I, may I mention, particularly don't like at all, but after the meeting(today) its been a bit better...


But only a bit ...


I still feel tiny chucks of the tension still there, when he talks to me and when he looks at me, I still feel it...


I still see it, feel it... and I don't like it at ALL


HE thinks that he is sooooooooooo cute...he KNOWS that me and my sister like to go on in the evenings to talk to our friends and all of that stuff... so what does he do?


HE won't go on for the entire day just so that he can go on later in the evening and we can't talk to our friends..


ain't that just the cutest thing ever??


Ain't shyt funny....


But don't worry, I'll get him sure enough, TRUST ME ON THAT....


But the real news is that I found out that one of my good friends though of me as his best friend... that really made my day...especially when everything is so messed up in my life right now..


It made me feel so special and my day, my week was so much brighter because of him...I hope he knows all of this and that he's my best friend tooooo...


Well, that's that for now,



more later :o)



~*~* BaByGiRL *~*~
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, October 16th, 2001

Subject:IT's GeTTiN UgLy..
Time:9:32 pm.
Mood: anxious.
Hey again...

I forgot how long that it has been since I wrote to you..maybe a week or so...

But for me, I think that's good - dont you think?

Cuz I barely write in here, my own fault, that I know, but hey...

You can't kill a girl for trying can you?

Okay, here's the scoop...

Lately I have been feeling alot of anxiety...
I'm starting to feel that my whole world in slowly crumbling beneath my feet and there's not a dayum thing that I can do to stop it...

All I can do is watch...

And that, in its self, terrifies me to the depeaths of my heart...

I don't like change, if you haven't really figured that out yet..

School seems to be going in a downward spiral..everything, academially related just seems to be in a horrible state right now... and there's nothing to say about it...

Since I brought that on myself...

And personally, there's a friend of mine that acts like he likes me and that scares me...I dont know why...I mean, he's not a jerk or anything, he's really nice and all that junk and great to talk with and funny...

But that still scares me...

The girl he used to go out with, I think that she still likes him and she's very jealous (the girl that was talking at church, remember?)so if she finds out that I THINK that he feels this way or that he does...

There goes the rest of our friendship... :o/

Who would think that the life of ME, of all people would be so hard and challenging, I mean ...

I'M NOBODY!

I mean, who do I really know...I know just about everyone, but not in the tight knit way, and that is what makes me a nobody, no one really there...

To gather that all up:

The school, The guy, The invisibility...

ALL of that anxiety is just building up in me....everytime that I cut a class, everytime that guy TOUCHES ME, everytime people ignore my presence, everytime...

EVERYTIME.

I just hope that there's not a chance that I might blow up or sumthing or turn into this depressing gray blob...

I hope that doesn't happen...

I have devoted to much of me to my highschool career, to change what people think of me when I walk to them, to make them like to talk to me , to change the first 10 years of my schooling career...

I personally think that I'm doing pretty okay, as long as I don't let that anxiety be shown on the out side...

AND, as you should know...

When I have anxiety,it builds and it stays there for hours and days...and maybe for years, but by that time I can't feel it...

I'll talk to you on Thursday or friday to let you know if my life it getting back on track, which is what I'm trying to do...

It's getting ugly...

More later...

~*~* BaByGiRL *~*~
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, October 9th, 2001

Subject:CaN YoU fiLL mE iN.....
Time:5:53 pm.
Mood: ecstatic.
Hey people,

Wassup? how you feelin? well, today was sorta good and sorta bad...I just came home from school and I am pretty tired..

I gotta take the PSAT's on october 16 or the 20... which might I add, is madd harsh cuz we ain't even get the slips that we are suppose to hand in w/the money to pay for it...

ALL the school's fault, might I add.

Another thing that is the school's fault is that I was dropped out of a class...

JUST DROPPED.

I didn't ASK for it, my schedule was perfect , then the teacher comes and tells me that I am no longer in the class...

So I go to find out what happened and the woman that is suppose to HELP me wasn't there...


SO as it stands, if I don't get it corrected then I'll have to take the dumb class over NEXT YEAR!


how embarrassing :: sigh ::

Other than that, the day was okay -

My math teacher was absent because there's a jewish holiday (which I don't know about since i'm not jewish) today and tomorrow so I wasn't marked late today and I can be late tomorrow - and he left no homework... so that 's swell ...

I also got a pair of boots and sneakers-

The sneakers are nike Presto Chanjo .. ain't that just the koolest name? I was just saying that for weeks before I actually got them..

The boots were sketchers, which I hate to admit, but no one can tell since there black and I took all the tags off of them.. a hehe ain't I sly ....

Other than that, I'm boring LOL.

I g2g do the homework that I did get ...
SO more later :o)



~*~* BaByGiRL *~*~



P.S.-

Just to let you know, I'm ecstatic becuz of my sneakers, and not because of what happened at school .
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, October 8th, 2001

Subject:We GoN MaKe iT....
Time:12:26 pm.
Mood: thoughtful.
Hey Again -

I know that it has been two weeks since the last time that I have written to you, but times are hard - and I was working on some work for the ending of the first marking period.

I am a BAD CHILD ...

How come? Well, I have less that excellent behavior in some of the things that I do. Well, I haven't been to gym all last week which is just one reason why I am bad. Also, I've been going to church. Why is that bad? well, the people there want me to dive head first into it, I mean really, I just don't think that I can. I mean its impossible.

There are about 976 people in our congregation and I only know about 5 of them , which completely HELPS my situation....

They have Bible studies after school when I am normally home doing my homework...I would like to try it but most of them are just too downright pushy..Also, they want all of us to be the best that we can be..

Meaning that I cannot smoke any longer (something that I have been doing for such a short while, but still something that I've done) I also have to stop cursing, which maybe a little harder than you can imagine because....

I've been doing it since I was like seven years old , so that will a little bit hard. The friend that invited me to go to church with him, I am a little weary about - you know, we act like were friends and all, but I get this feeling that he feels more for me. I mean, I'm not trying to harp and be like I want more becuz I don't...

I already have someone that I love a deeply as the ocean...

But still, whenever he taps me on my shoulder I feel like that's not what he really wants to do. And this friend of ours that goes to church w/us that used to go out with him was tell me how he was talking about me and used the term "when you talk about someone you like".. What's up with that?

And its scaring me. I mean, I already have a crush on two other boys in my school, and some that I LOVE, and here he comes...

I really don't think that I can handle that right now..


Anyway, I cant believe that it is October already...

I remember when it was just the first day of school and I was re-meeting my friends and making new ones, seeing the brand new freshman - it was great..

But now were one month in, and shyt is going to hit the fan - I just know it, and I can feel it...

But just for the record let me say this..
I'm in love- so deeply in love its like pea soup - you can't see through it..I'm floating on cloud nine right now, even though I know that I shouldn't even attempt to get my hopes up - cuz when ever I do, I take the 50ft drop to the bottom...

and frankly, my legs are broken from all the dropping and I can't take much more of it....

Other than that, me and my friends are kool right now, everything is going pretty well..I think that everything is good now becuz I'm going to church..but one boy that I like just partially ignores me and the other just stares at me.....

I hope that I'm not THAT ugly......

The only thing that prolly hasn't changed much is my depression...its not as bad.. the pain is still there of course and I still feel it, But I am able to work around it and better myself...

but I still feel it...and it still hurts like an open wound that keeps bleeding....and hurting...

But I g2g do homework for school tomorrow....so later...All I know, is that we gon make it....

More later,

~*~* BaByGiRl *~*~
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, September 17th, 2001

Subject:YoU CaN CaLL mE SeLFisH....
Time:11:01 pm.
Mood: restless.
Hey again...


I told u that I would write, haha , its a shame that I have resorted to talking to myself, but I guess I am my own bestfriend...


I didn't go to school today, as once believed, for two reasons..



ONE: I had this THING I don't even know what it is now, but it felt like a pimple, growing out of my head on the bridge of my nose between my eyebrows, causing me MAJOR headaches... I thought I was gonna die, I couldn't think straight, I was shivering and I still tried to take a prep SAT test..


AND yes, you can call me a fool


It's just that I desperately needed to practice, because I have to register to take the test on OCTOBER 20 which isn't far away whatsoever...



I didn't even get a great score on it... I got 1080, which I think is pretty bad.. When did I become so stupid...?


Anyway, reason two..



TWO: I didn't do my homework, I spent all my time procrastinating till it paid off... at 5:30 in the morning I still had half my homework to do, I couldn't breathe, I was stuffy and I was sneezing so I just stopped myself and went back to bed...



I had to save myself.. besides I didnt think I could face the same friends that ignored me.. I was suffering from a pre-nervous brake down and I wasn't about to go all the way..



But low and behold...


The same people who ignored me were IMing me online asking if I was okay and whatever, acting like I meant so much to them ... I was shocked but pleasantly happy..



I don't even know why I let what people do effect me so much, even though I give off an image like I really don't care...



I should just be honest dammit, but I doubt cursing at myself will change much...



I heard that my school had a vigil for the people that died at WTC and that the people who were singing there were wack... I wish that I was there..



Just so that I could laugh at those people..



Call me mean, I really don't care, I can sing so I can talk...


:: sigh ::, I guess I won't be missing anymore school..



If I get close to breaking down, I guess I'll just have to deal...


More later



~*~* BaByGiRL *~*~
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, September 16th, 2001

Subject:LeT'S NoT WAiT TiLL ThE WaTer RuNs DrY....
Time:6:50 pm.
Mood: depressed.
hey again,

I know that it has been a while since I have written but I'll try to keep up on a more up-to-date basis...I'll betcha I'll right in you tomorrow, even though I have school...

Anyway..

So school is pretty okay and all.. I feel just a tinsy bit ignored by my friends but I'll shake it off, soon they'll regret doing anything to ME!

But anyway, so I have been trying to get a job (yes me, what you don't believe me?). I am suppose to try to get a job at a fast food place and what ever, because I personally think that it would be best, in my opinion .. But I'm missing one thing...

WORKING PAPERS.

SO I go to the main office to get the papers, right? and I go and find the lady thinking that this will take five minutes and I can get on with the rest of my life..

but its not that simple...

Things are never that simple I suppose because if it was , life would move a lot faster ..

I have been to that fucking office like 5 times and every time I am always coming at the wrong time ..

Isn't that just hilarious ?

so I CANNOT get a job or even ask for one until I get those fucking papers which may never happen because that woman is never THERE ...

:: sigh ::

Anyway, umm I can't talk about anything that I may feel about what is happening at home because I am not alone..

I know that is such a cliche (I was thinking about the Michael Jackson song when I wrote that, just so you understand )but hey, I'll find a time when no one is hovering around me but that may NEVER be the case, so ... whatever whenever

Anyway...

So I am a bit depressed lately and it seems to be getting worse.. I just don't know why...

Maybe it's because of a person.. which is the most likely case, if you ask me.. but this is what I was afraid of all long.. you know of my problem (if u don't, I'm allowing you to scroll down to about July 9-11, there u can read about it..) and so this may be an effect of the school..

Well, I hate to admit but I am just a tinge happy because I have two days off from school, which in my opinion is a good thing..

HELL YEAH!

So I wont be stressed by school, I suppose..

Last but not least there's one thing in the current news that I have to mention...

The World Trade Center bombing... God Bless all the souls who lost their bodies and the families that they left behind... They went to a better place...

But the point is...

I hate to sound selfish...

But what the fuck about the rest off the world? They went to a better place but were left here to deal with the war...

THE WAR

I have so many hopes and dreams yet to be fulfilled and I haven't even graduated high school yet.. I wanna have children, and get married and be a grandma and grow old with the man that I love...

But what is to happen now...

This just may be the biggest mistake of our lives....

More l@ter

~*~* BaByGiRL *~*~
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, August 30th, 2001

Subject:YoUr JuSt To GooD tO bE TrU.....
Time:1:46 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
Hey again,

School is starting next Wednesday , can u believe that ? I remeber when it was just the begining of the summer and shyt..

But oh well, aint no reason to complain about it now, since i've had two months to rest

DID I TELL YOU?

Well, thanks to Shante's mom and her efforts, I am staying at my school... good lord...

I wasn't too sure I wanted to leave in the first place, I think that I was just doing it to please my mom, cuz she wanted me to go somewhere closer, and my sister wanted us to go to the same school again, even though in middle school, we couldn't wait till the day that we were separated...

But now, all is well, I guess cuz I am staying...all of my friends are overjoyed.. I guess I really did make an impression on them cuz every last one of them went " YAY!" in that manner, when I told them... so maybe I am more popular then I think..

nah..

But the only thing that I am worried about is the consequences of me staying, that means that I can't complain about anything, becuz it was my decision to stay, no one forced me and blah, blah, blah...

It dawned on me, not to long ago why I should stay in the first place..I was walking into my building w/my bestfriend after she, me and her mom had went to the movies..

There was a whole group of kidz sitting infront and I knew them all..and they all ignored me..

I said to my friend " I cant WAIT to get away from here, from all these people, becuz they all go to the same school, and I dont go there, so they all belong, and I'm all alone, and they will alwayz judge me that way...."

SO I figured that the best way to get outta this rotten neighborhood is to stay at my crummy school, I mean it is the 8th best highschool in the country, THE COUNTRY ....

Its a easy ticket outta here...

Well, I have to start getting ready for school..I gotta wash me and my sisters' bookbags, get my supplies, do my hair, buy jewelery, buy styling gel, a whole buncha stuff...

But my family pinic is on sunday, so I gotta do mosta this shyt on saturday or tuesday, even though I prefer saturday becuz monday is labor day...

So there..
Well, imma at my mom's job and shyt just trying to live, I'm leaving in 3 hours though..

Oh and one more thing... HE wasnt talking to us for dayz and we finally had a family metting to clear the wind that ended up in me crying and screaming, go figure...

But All is well now and he isnt hoggin the comuter anymore, we had a big arguement on sunday and the mothafucker put his hand TO GOD and said he would not touch the computer that it wasn't even there to him ...

So far he is keeping his word.. I wonder how long THAT WILL LAST>>>

G2G back to work and shyt, so I'll type more tonite..

L@ter..



~*~* BaByGiRL *~*~
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, August 20th, 2001

Subject:YoU ReMiNd mE...
Time:1:33 pm.
Mood: scared.
Hey again,

Not much going on, that bastard FINALLY went to get himself some help at those fucked up meetings of his.


Thank you LORD, JESUS AND ALL THE ANGELS ABOVE.


Anyway, I had this horrible dream that my step-father tired to rape me..



Maybe it was the Devil's way of getting back at me for all the stuff that I've been saying about him..


Maybe its due to past experiences..


I really don't know..


But it gave me an anxiety attack..and with me, the attacks don't just last for like two minutes, they last for like hours, days...


so hopefully it will go away..


I tried not to talk to him this morning, but I was still have an anxiety attack, but he managed to talk to me once..


I felt like everytime that I looked at him, He knew what I was thinking, all the horrible thoughts about lynching him and stabbing him for making me having that horrible dream..


I prefer the lynching...


Anyway, my mother told me that Him and my older sister dad a confrontation, But I was asleep at the time, I'm alwayz asleep when shit hits the fan...


Unless its happening to me...

WELL, All I know is that they were both walking around with attitudes when I woke up ( More Him than her)..

WHENEVER I find out what happens, I'll let you know...

Guess where having another family meeting..

That's about it, I'm hungry so Imma make myself sum grub..

More L@terz 1



~*~*~* BaByGiRL *~*~*~
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, August 18th, 2001

Subject:LooKiNG FoR YoURSeLf OuT THeRE....
Time:6:24 pm.
Mood: cheerful.
Hey again..

What a wonderful day !

My mother and step father went on a planned trip with some of her friends to ATLANTIC CITY!

And the best part about it is...

There gone...

No fighting with HIM for the computer, No hogging of the comuter ..

I woke up late and I just.. relaxed..

For the first time in Three weeks it was just me and my sisters alone together..

The way it used to be. The way it should be . And were having a blast!!!...

I never thought we could have so much fun together Becuz normally, my little sister spends all of her time with her father and me and my older sister end up just talking to each other . ME and her still have fun, but I miss my Baby sister..

You know what happened this morning though?

I had Sixtey dollars in my pocket from the supermarket that I didn't use... So I had it in my pocket..

So this moring I go into my pocket and my pockets are cleared out ..

so I'm like what the fuck? you know..

So I go searching for it, cuz I really don't wanna have to tell my mom that I lost sixtey dollars of her money.

Or explain to her how I lost it, which I KNEW that I didn't...

So He pops his ugly ass bastard head out the bathroom and goes " I have it.. It was thrown all over the place so I put it away"

FUCKING LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am also missing some money and some quaters from my change that I knew that Bastard stole from me..


I hope he uses my money to BUY HIMSELF a ticket to sycenticty! See how he likes that shit!!!!


I am so GLAD that that bastard went with my mom.. Cuz if he was here I would have killed him.. Fo' Sho ( lOl)

But right now I'm happy, so maybe tomorrow I'll be mad, cuz right now..

I'm Happy...

More L@terz,

~*~*~* BaByGiRL *~*~*~
Comments: Add Your Own.

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